The Workaholic's Guide To Being Unemployed

As you may know, I am a workaholic. As you may also know, I am unemployed. In the short time that I have been unemployed, I have learned things that people like me can do to keep from going crazy. I will list them numerically.
1. Never sleep late. Always wake up at your normal time to keep a routine. I say this because I have a one year old and have no choice.
2. Cry in a cold shower for at least 5 minutes a day. This cleanses the mind, body, and soul and convinces you that you are crazy and should be working (even though you really aren't crazy).
3. Call up the Clorox company hot line and argue with them about how ALL of their products only kill 99.9% of household germs. Tell them that is not something to gloat about, you are very worried about that .1% of germs still living, and that you are going to invent a cleaner that gets 100% of the germs.
4. Find your oldest pair of jeans, cut them up into shorts, wear a sleeveless T-shirt and go to Wal-Mart and walk around asking random people if they need help finding something.
5. Go online, find the phone numbers to every U.S. Senator and call their offices and try to just carry on a normal conversation with their desk jockies. I am sure nobody asks them how their day is or how their life is going. I am sure you would get surprising answers.
6. Invent a blanket with sleeves, be happy that you are going to sell it and make millions of dollars, then relax, turn on the T.V., and see that they have already invented it and called it the Snuggy.
7. Call the Unemployment Office and apply for a job there to satisfy one of your two weekly required job searches.
8. Realize that your phone is just ringing to hear itself ring. Cell phones get lonely too and mine is wondering why I only talk on it only a couple of minutes a day now.
9. Vacuum the carpet.
10. Eat a large breakfast then watch The View. Each morning try to hold off vomiting longer each time.
And that is what will get you through unemployment. If you are still not happy, start a farm in your backyard and when people ask what you do, tell them you are a farmer.