Five years ago, I married my current wife. I am still currently married to her and live with her, so that makes me a little bit of a marriage expert since most divorces happen before the 5 year mark. I have decided to share my wisdom and lil bit of good advice to stay married. This advice either comes through personal experience, or what I have heard. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE EVER DONE ANY OF THIS OR MY WIFE HAS! Most of this is just my take from looking at other people's situations. I have numbered them to please the eye. #1 being the most important to 10 being the least.
10. Don't have an affair. This will make her mad and if you think you need another woman in your life, multiply your wife by 2. THE GRASS IS NEVER GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE! Ask a pro golfer, they have 20 crazy women after them.
9. When she asks you when you might be ready for kids, and you are not, buy her a house. By buying her a house, this buys YOU about 6 to 12 months of what women call 'nesting time'. This gives you 6 to 12 months of NOT discussing why you do not want kids at this moment in your life.
8. When the 'nesting time' is over with your wife and the house, go to the nearest animal shelter quickly and buy or pick up the sickest dog you can find. Preferably, you can do like me and pick up a stray dog from a parking lot with a limp and worms, and mites, and a liver problem. The dog gives them something to take care of, and the ailments give them something to worry about. You see, women can take care of MANY things at once, but get them to also WORRY about a thing, that will buy you another 6-12 months, 18
months if you find a really sick dog.
7. When she calls you on the phone when you are in the middle of doing something important just to want to hear your voice, just talk with her because one day, the LAST thing she will want to hear is your voice.
6. When the dog heals up, and she is ready for a curtain-climber to haunt you home FOREVER, just go along and pretty soon you will be huddled up with other couples watching the 'magic of birth' in 'birthing classes'. ONLY GUYS READ XXXXXXX (There is no magic when it comes to birth. There is only a lot of blood, screaming, and other human material flying around the room only to get to hold the most beautiful girl in the whole world. BUT, not before all that other really nasty junk. After watching a woman give birth in person, you will NEVER look at ANY women the same way again. But never tell them I said that.)
5. When it comes to routine, stick with it. The people that say, "You need to shake up things in your marriage" is on his fourth wife. The time to 'shake things up' in your marriage will come, just not in the first 5 years. Keep it simple, same eating places, same movies, same EVERYTHING. This will keep the woman in her stable state of mind for a long time and you will not run into, what Doctors like to call the 'Kate-gosselyn-syndrome' where you actually WANT to abandon all 8 of your kids just for a good night's rest.
4. You will never make enough money. Not for kids, not for anything. So just do what you love. I had to learn that the hard way and now I am doing what I at least like and I can make more money than I did before. Not much more, however, and certainly what???? That is right, not enough money. At least if you like what you do or your boss you come home feeling good.
3. Buy a Volvo YEARS before you start to have children, NOT when she is six months pregnant. It is a lot less hectic when she is not on an emotional roller coaster.
2. Work. Then when you are done, work some more. When you get tired, work. When you are hungry, work. When you are sad, work. When you are glad, work. Just work, all of the time. This way you are not hanging around the house because when you 'hang around the house', women take that as a sign of weakness and they try to get into their husbands' head. Therefore, fighting ensues (the woman's fault) and fighting leads to divorce. If you are not there, she can go shopping, hang out with their friends, and even get a boyfriend on the side. You don't care, you are too busy...............working. That is right, the world fixes everything with time, so leave it alone and get to work. Everything will get back to right.
1. Marry your best friend. If your best friend is a dude, like mine is, then marry the person who would be your best friend if your best friend were to go away or die. That person would be referred to as your 'almost' best friend OR 'second' best friend. My best friend likes to watch sports and hang out with me talking with a lot of cussing and a lot of bad references to women and other things in the world. If this person is a woman, DO NOT MARRY HER! She is gay. If your potential wife is somebody who you look at and say, 'You know, 95% of the time she is pretty fun to be around, the other 5% I can tolerate, and she is the one woman I have dated that is THE MOST SANE/LEAST CRAZY. I want to marry this woman.' Good idea, that is ok that you really don't get her on all levels, because if you did........... one of you would probably be gay. And being gay and being married to a straight person can set itself up to a whole lot of conflicts, both on a religious level and a political level.
I think what I would like YOU, the reader to get out of reading a blog from a dude that is currently wearing sweatpants, on his couch, watching The Abyss while his wife and daughter sleeps, is that you are pathetic for even reading this far. However, I think that the moral of this story is 2-fold. Like the Earth, your marriage is always moving and changing. Roll with the changes. You will both change throughout time (hopefully not turning gay because that would then lead to divorce ref. point #1), but be open to that change and know it is going to happen. Love each other in the good times, BUT really stick next to each other in the bad times. Understand that you both are different creatures and God made it that way probably for a laugh.
When it is time to have curtain climbers, don't freak out, your ready. If me and my best buds survived the last year, any man with half a brain could survive fatherhood. ENJOY THE RIDE! Love just being in that one-bedroom, small, cramped apartment. Enjoy eating dinner with just your spouse. Enjoy eating dinner with just your spouse and a screeching 14 month old that likes to throw things lately. Enjoy having a pregnant wife, and when she starts to cry in the car while you are just driving and nothing else, let her be. Don't try and fix it, the only fixin' to do is when that Doctor grabs that baby inside of her by the head and rips that baby from her womb in some amazingly nasty operation called birth. Enjoy watching your kid do the funniest things together. Just enjoy the ride because it always is changing.
10. Don't have an affair. This will make her mad and if you think you need another woman in your life, multiply your wife by 2. THE GRASS IS NEVER GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE! Ask a pro golfer, they have 20 crazy women after them.
9. When she asks you when you might be ready for kids, and you are not, buy her a house. By buying her a house, this buys YOU about 6 to 12 months of what women call 'nesting time'. This gives you 6 to 12 months of NOT discussing why you do not want kids at this moment in your life.
8. When the 'nesting time' is over with your wife and the house, go to the nearest animal shelter quickly and buy or pick up the sickest dog you can find. Preferably, you can do like me and pick up a stray dog from a parking lot with a limp and worms, and mites, and a liver problem. The dog gives them something to take care of, and the ailments give them something to worry about. You see, women can take care of MANY things at once, but get them to also WORRY about a thing, that will buy you another 6-12 months, 18
months if you find a really sick dog.7. When she calls you on the phone when you are in the middle of doing something important just to want to hear your voice, just talk with her because one day, the LAST thing she will want to hear is your voice.
6. When the dog heals up, and she is ready for a curtain-climber to haunt you home FOREVER, just go along and pretty soon you will be huddled up with other couples watching the 'magic of birth' in 'birthing classes'. ONLY GUYS READ XXXXXXX (There is no magic when it comes to birth. There is only a lot of blood, screaming, and other human material flying around the room only to get to hold the most beautiful girl in the whole world. BUT, not before all that other really nasty junk. After watching a woman give birth in person, you will NEVER look at ANY women the same way again. But never tell them I said that.)
5. When it comes to routine, stick with it. The people that say, "You need to shake up things in your marriage" is on his fourth wife. The time to 'shake things up' in your marriage will come, just not in the first 5 years. Keep it simple, same eating places, same movies, same EVERYTHING. This will keep the woman in her stable state of mind for a long time and you will not run into, what Doctors like to call the 'Kate-gosselyn-syndrome' where you actually WANT to abandon all 8 of your kids just for a good night's rest.
4. You will never make enough money. Not for kids, not for anything. So just do what you love. I had to learn that the hard way and now I am doing what I at least like and I can make more money than I did before. Not much more, however, and certainly what???? That is right, not enough money. At least if you like what you do or your boss you come home feeling good.
3. Buy a Volvo YEARS before you start to have children, NOT when she is six months pregnant. It is a lot less hectic when she is not on an emotional roller coaster.
2. Work. Then when you are done, work some more. When you get tired, work. When you are hungry, work. When you are sad, work. When you are glad, work. Just work, all of the time. This way you are not hanging around the house because when you 'hang around the house', women take that as a sign of weakness and they try to get into their husbands' head. Therefore, fighting ensues (the woman's fault) and fighting leads to divorce. If you are not there, she can go shopping, hang out with their friends, and even get a boyfriend on the side. You don't care, you are too busy...............working. That is right, the world fixes everything with time, so leave it alone and get to work. Everything will get back to right.
1. Marry your best friend. If your best friend is a dude, like mine is, then marry the person who would be your best friend if your best friend were to go away or die. That person would be referred to as your 'almost' best friend OR 'second' best friend. My best friend likes to watch sports and hang out with me talking with a lot of cussing and a lot of bad references to women and other things in the world. If this person is a woman, DO NOT MARRY HER! She is gay. If your potential wife is somebody who you look at and say, 'You know, 95% of the time she is pretty fun to be around, the other 5% I can tolerate, and she is the one woman I have dated that is THE MOST SANE/LEAST CRAZY. I want to marry this woman.' Good idea, that is ok that you really don't get her on all levels, because if you did........... one of you would probably be gay. And being gay and being married to a straight person can set itself up to a whole lot of conflicts, both on a religious level and a political level.
I think what I would like YOU, the reader to get out of reading a blog from a dude that is currently wearing sweatpants, on his couch, watching The Abyss while his wife and daughter sleeps, is that you are pathetic for even reading this far. However, I think that the moral of this story is 2-fold. Like the Earth, your marriage is always moving and changing. Roll with the changes. You will both change throughout time (hopefully not turning gay because that would then lead to divorce ref. point #1), but be open to that change and know it is going to happen. Love each other in the good times, BUT really stick next to each other in the bad times. Understand that you both are different creatures and God made it that way probably for a laugh.
When it is time to have curtain climbers, don't freak out, your ready. If me and my best buds survived the last year, any man with half a brain could survive fatherhood. ENJOY THE RIDE! Love just being in that one-bedroom, small, cramped apartment. Enjoy eating dinner with just your spouse. Enjoy eating dinner with just your spouse and a screeching 14 month old that likes to throw things lately. Enjoy having a pregnant wife, and when she starts to cry in the car while you are just driving and nothing else, let her be. Don't try and fix it, the only fixin' to do is when that Doctor grabs that baby inside of her by the head and rips that baby from her womb in some amazingly nasty operation called birth. Enjoy watching your kid do the funniest things together. Just enjoy the ride because it always is changing.
Thanks for hanging in there for five years, honey. If you want to try for five more just tell me when we get home tonight. I am willing to go another 5 if you are.
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