I haven't had much problem getting along in life. Well, most of the time. I have had bumps in the road and I have been able to move on from them. I spent most of my twenties changing. I started out in my early twenties having fun at parties, going to college and living a bachelor's life, and just hanging with my 'bro's'. I never really had anything to worry about because I really had nothing I owned that was worth anything and I liked it that way.
Then I met my wife and got my degree. I settled down and had fun with her being a young couple. I worked up the ranks of a property management company, and earned the trust and friendship of the owner. I took care of my wife while she went to school and I was on my way. My yearly salary would go higher every year, and our standard of living would improve with every year. Then I became a daddy. The greatest event of my life. I loved it, 2008 gave me a daughter, the best year in my 'professional' career, and a promise of greater things to come.
2009 ushered in something that would grow inside of me and I would not know of the consequences until it was too late. I have always believed that depression is something that people used as an excuse because they were weak, or lazy, or just wanted to complain. I was wrong. Depression seeped into my head very slowly and very quietly. I in fact didn't know that I was really depressed until it was too late. I was in full mode depression when I went to my Doctor, and he sent my to a psychiatrist who just wanted me to take a LOT of prescription medication which I chose not to. I stopped going to him.
The Depression was a thing now, it was something that could not be controlled, it was a runaway train. My job performance started to suffer. After 6 years of solid and profit making performance, I was terminated for 1/2 a year of poor performance because of my depression. They let me go, they took the one thing I had that kept me out of the house, and they kicked me out like I had been stealing money from them for years. In fact, I was a party to a few firings of people who were stealing from the company over the 6.5 years I was with them and they were let go with more tact than I was. I left graciously not to prevent me from burning bridges (because I knew I would never even work in that field again for any other company), I just wanted to be the better person.
It has been a cold winter, the coldest and snowiest I can remember in my 3 decades of living. I spent my first 6 weeks of unemployment collecting the small checks they would give me, and being treated like a second class citizen. I would watch T.V. and sit on the couch. It was dark in my head. Then Christmas came and went. In 2010, I chose to get off of unemployment because it was hurting my pride (for lack of a better word). I have taken up working for my old company doing heat and air, which is always very slow in January and February. I do as much work as I can scrounge up just to make ends meet. The depression hasn't gone away, but I have been able to fight it with every bone in my body. I decided with the new year, I was going to dig in my heals, and not give anymore ground. I didn't fight this foe right away, I was just trying to keep it from taking more ground. In the past 6 weeks or so, I have taken the fight to it. I haven't been able to take a full step, but I have taken some ground away from this disease. Everyday, I fight and everyday I try to advance. Some days I don't. But on those days, I dig my heals in again and weather the storm.
I have great fear of the future. Will this year bring me the business that I need to support my family? Will I be better in the head? These questions remain unanswered everyday. However, this is when I truly see what I am made of. I keep my depression a secret from many of the people I deal with in my life. I choose to do this because I do not want to be considered weak. That is the social stigma. When Tiger Woods can screw around on his wife and go into 'sex rehab', he is a man that is thought of as somebody who is great. He chose to screw around on his wife, I never chose my burden. There is no such thing as a 'sexual addiction'. That is like saying I am addicted to breathing.
With those who are infected with this depression, or who have been, I am sorry for thinking that you were weak or choosing to be this way. You can fight this with meds and professional help, but you need to find the ultimate power inside of yourself that everybody has to fight this foe with everything you have. Will I wake up tomorrow with depression, maybe. But I will live to fight another day. In good time, I will fight my depression harder than it fights me, and that is how I am going to win. Day by day.
Alan
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