The Most Important Thing I Have Learned

As I am going through this new year, I am excited and nervous. I have noticed that I am not as nervous as I used to be. Certain 'unknowns' about work have come as a daily thing to me and I am getting used to being a large part of a small business. I love it a lot more than what I was doing last. I enjoy talking with the people, working with my helpers, and my worst day is still not as bad as it used to be. I have also learned something I was sure I would never learn.

I was scared because when I became a daddy, I had not read all of those books my wife had bought for me. In fact, I think I skimmed through the first chapter of one book and that is all. She read over 100 books front to back and that was when she was pregnant. Then she continues to read the books labeled 'Our First Year' and so on. She knows everything it takes to raise a child with the right nutrition, sleeping habits, learning and motor skills development, and other stuff like that. I pretty much just do what she does. When she says lil bit needs this or that, I do it.

Before I know it, I have learned to be a daddy. The funny thing is that lil bit has taught me. Between the H1N1 (Swine Flu) outbreak that lil bit introduced to the household, to the excessive vomiting in my truck that left her mom and I sick, to the teething and fits she has taught me how to be a daddy. I am a germaphobe, but I had to let that go about 2 years ago. Lil bit has taught me to just let it all hang out and don't worry about the fact that she is chewing on something in the trash, or got a cupfull of urine water from a toilet that I accidentally left open (true story), just let it roll of your back (or splash on the bathroom floor like lil bit did to the urine water and got daddy in deep trouble with mommy).

After a long hard day at work, I love to get lil bit into my truck and we drive around doing the 'air drums' to daddy's music. We rock out pretty good. Or when she smiles when I walk in the door and acts just like my dog, that no matter what, they are REALLY happy to see me! Chillin' on the couch and eating Cheetos, and watching the Olympics can be really fun. Or trying to eat snow for the first time only to find out that it is really cold and tastes like water.

You see, we take life too seriously because we have to. Our work demands it. But we don't have to be that way when we are at home. I might have to 'fake it' around a client during the day, but when I come home, we will just put on some of that good daddy music and rock out.

The Old Me vs. The New Me

I haven't had much problem getting along in life. Well, most of the time. I have had bumps in the road and I have been able to move on from them. I spent most of my twenties changing. I started out in my early twenties having fun at parties, going to college and living a bachelor's life, and just hanging with my 'bro's'. I never really had anything to worry about because I really had nothing I owned that was worth anything and I liked it that way.

Then I met my wife and got my degree. I settled down and had fun with her being a young couple. I worked up the ranks of a property management company, and earned the trust and friendship of the owner. I took care of my wife while she went to school and I was on my way. My yearly salary would go higher every year, and our standard of living would improve with every year. Then I became a daddy. The greatest event of my life. I loved it, 2008 gave me a daughter, the best year in my 'professional' career, and a promise of greater things to come.

2009 ushered in something that would grow inside of me and I would not know of the consequences until it was too late. I have always believed that depression is something that people used as an excuse because they were weak, or lazy, or just wanted to complain. I was wrong. Depression seeped into my head very slowly and very quietly. I in fact didn't know that I was really depressed until it was too late. I was in full mode depression when I went to my Doctor, and he sent my to a psychiatrist who just wanted me to take a LOT of prescription medication which I chose not to. I stopped going to him.

The Depression was a thing now, it was something that could not be controlled, it was a runaway train. My job performance started to suffer. After 6 years of solid and profit making performance, I was terminated for 1/2 a year of poor performance because of my depression. They let me go, they took the one thing I had that kept me out of the house, and they kicked me out like I had been stealing money from them for years. In fact, I was a party to a few firings of people who were stealing from the company over the 6.5 years I was with them and they were let go with more tact than I was. I left graciously not to prevent me from burning bridges (because I knew I would never even work in that field again for any other company), I just wanted to be the better person.

It has been a cold winter, the coldest and snowiest I can remember in my 3 decades of living. I spent my first 6 weeks of unemployment collecting the small checks they would give me, and being treated like a second class citizen. I would watch T.V. and sit on the couch. It was dark in my head. Then Christmas came and went. In 2010, I chose to get off of unemployment because it was hurting my pride (for lack of a better word). I have taken up working for my old company doing heat and air, which is always very slow in January and February. I do as much work as I can scrounge up just to make ends meet. The depression hasn't gone away, but I have been able to fight it with every bone in my body. I decided with the new year, I was going to dig in my heals, and not give anymore ground. I didn't fight this foe right away, I was just trying to keep it from taking more ground. In the past 6 weeks or so, I have taken the fight to it. I haven't been able to take a full step, but I have taken some ground away from this disease. Everyday, I fight and everyday I try to advance. Some days I don't. But on those days, I dig my heals in again and weather the storm.

I have great fear of the future. Will this year bring me the business that I need to support my family? Will I be better in the head? These questions remain unanswered everyday. However, this is when I truly see what I am made of. I keep my depression a secret from many of the people I deal with in my life. I choose to do this because I do not want to be considered weak. That is the social stigma. When Tiger Woods can screw around on his wife and go into 'sex rehab', he is a man that is thought of as somebody who is great. He chose to screw around on his wife, I never chose my burden. There is no such thing as a 'sexual addiction'. That is like saying I am addicted to breathing.

With those who are infected with this depression, or who have been, I am sorry for thinking that you were weak or choosing to be this way. You can fight this with meds and professional help, but you need to find the ultimate power inside of yourself that everybody has to fight this foe with everything you have. Will I wake up tomorrow with depression, maybe. But I will live to fight another day. In good time, I will fight my depression harder than it fights me, and that is how I am going to win. Day by day.

Alan